I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
