How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
