Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
