oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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