He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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