i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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