Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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