Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Randomize
