if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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