Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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