Define "chronic" masturbator.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
