So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
