3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
