it was like his penis was on wheels.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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