Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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