No awkward lesbian experiences without me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
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