I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
