Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
