Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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