I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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