my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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