I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
