At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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