I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize