We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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