i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
