Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We are all done wearing pants today
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
