the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
