Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
