We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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