ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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