So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
