I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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