...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
