we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
