Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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