Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
