Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
