Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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