you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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