hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
