the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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