it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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