She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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