After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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