fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
