I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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