And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
