:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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