my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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