the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
