Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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