I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
