i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
