i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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