Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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