it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
