After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
