You smell like stripper and shame
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
And then he peed in my hair
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