Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
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