Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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