i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
