dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
